SHINE ON! 😘

God looked around His garden and saw an empty space, 

then He looked down on this earth and saw your tired face, 

He put His arms around you and lifted you to rest.

Gods garden must be beautiful for He only takes the best. 😢

Sometimes lose has a greater impact on us than we care to admit. See I had sworn I wouldn’t write about this yet every time I take a pen and paper and think of writing, this is what comes to mind. And every time that I ignore the urge my heart breaks a bit, I can’t be having any more heartbreak in my life, not this year anyway. So I decided to oblige, bear with me. 

About three months ago, I lost my light. The world closed in on me. Everyday I wake up, his face comes to mind, the wind beneath my wings gone away to be with those of his kind. Angels that graced us with love and care, with a presence so beautiful and great that their absence makes all the difference in life. Papi, why did you have to go? 

I remember the last day I saw him like it was yesterday. The pain I saw him go through receeds in my heart and every time I see his aching face my heart breaks. My father was not just my dad,  he was my best friend, he was my anchor and he was my compass. Imagine loosing all that in a day, in a single moment. 

A shattered world is all was left behind. I remember telling him I’d go back to school, whispering in his ear so it would be something just between us, then I looked up at him expecting a response, but with a tired mind and body, all he could do was faintly nod, and my heart broke again. 

I don’t know why, but when the news came to me, I couldn’t really cry. God had given us all signs so we could prepare our hearts for this great pain. I took a matatu and travelled to the resting home. God how I felt empty, too empty for tears.

 So I recently confessed to someone I couldn’t write anymore, he asked why and I got to thinking. Writing has become torture because he taught me how to, every time an idea comes to mind and I try to interpret it into something creative my mind goes to s#$t and I just can’t bear writing.  I can’t bear remembering, I can’t stand the tears. 

Hanging on to the hope that I’ll see him again some day, my world crumbles daily, my heart aches every minute. He was great to me and to the many more he knew and I know he will be great to others on his path in the after life. Till I see you again

Flip through the pages

I promised I wouldn’t do this,  but look at me now? ! I just can’t sit down and listen and listen to clueless people talk about issues they know so little about yet speak as if they did their thesis on it. Where did knowledgability go to?  When people spoke only of facts and not mere hear say?  Ooh wait that world has never existed, it’s only present in my mind. 

Judging a book by it’s cover is second to human nature,  you don’t even have to try, it just happens naturally like breathing. We look at a young lady with a car and the first thing that comes to mind is ‘ako na sponsor,  atoe gari wapi kwingine? ‘ she could have worked for it, think about that.  That young lady may be busting her @#$ just to live as lavishly as she wishes. 

Okay here goes my trigger for this rant,  my dear young men in campus, my dear young men in campus,  listen to me carefully,  just because a woman dresses in clothes that complement her body, THAT DON’T MAKE HER A HOE!! Just because a woman walks around like she owns the world that ain’t none of your damn business,  come to think of it she owns her world so she is a queen,  queens don’t walk around with saggy shoulders and a bent head. 
Are we together up to there?  Okay , good,  just because a woman loves her body that don’t make her prideful or a HOE! I love mine,  especially my ‘twins’ but guess what, it don’t matter to no one but me,  they are mine and they are a perfect pair. Just because a woman knows what she wants and speaks up about it THAT DON’T MAKE HER A 21ST CENTURY BITCH. and just because a woman laughs with men THAT DOESN’T MAKE HER LOOSE! 

So here comes this guy,  not really my kind of hot,  not my kind of handsome but fairly good looking,  tall and smiley. Am all for making new friends and learning more from people so with open arms I welcome the interaction but woe unto me.  See how people tend to already hold an opinion about you even before they meet you?  Here comes a cliche human being. 

He was told by his friends that I Miss Kariuki was loose,  that I was easy,  that I was booty call material.  Yes,  Me!  

As he tells me this am left shocked more intrigued than offended,  I love God first and foremost and whoring it around isn’t really the kind of thing that glorifies His name. Secondly I believe in the sacred state of sex,  that no matter who you sleep with there should be a reason greater that sheer horniness.

Ranting aside,  boy am I tired of hearing Kenyans talk about American politics,  hunny fix your country first, KENYA NEEDS US!  So these noises of why Trump won is not important to me,  why Americans want to make their country great again shouldn’t be a concern,  I ain’t never been there so how do I even know what is wrong with it. The peoples opinions on Michelle and Barack Obama is twisted but from a personal view I think they were awesome,  but why does that concern me. 

When it comes to people,  no one is perfect,  so what had happened was,  y’all need to interact from a distance,  learn what you can,  pick what you need from their behaviour,  leave that which is negative. Simple enough, yes?  YES! 

Let’s take Kenya back,  Let’s make Kenya great again! 

Hello Nostalgia  😔😒😃

There are good days, an then there are bad days. Now the good days you live for,  the bad ones you live through. There are better days and there are worse days the better ones give you life, the worse ones drain the life out of you. The beauty of it is that whichever kind of day you are having it only has 24 hours in it so no matter how long it drags on when you want it to end, or how fast it flies by when you want it to last all days are equal you just need to make the most of each and everyone. 

I know all of you have had days when you think about people you shouldn’t, feel things you shouldn’t,  this is for you.. 

The past one month feels like one looooooooong day and it drags on sun rise after sunset after sunrise with no promise of it ending. But I am not ready to deal with it so that’s a story for when my mind and my heart get back in harmony and reality dawns on me eventually. 

To one of the good days,  when a big dark cloud is hanging over you,  a single ray of light brings hope,  a chance for change to a better situation.  In my cloud there was a silver lining and for once in a long time, I felt everything around me I took in every breathe and treated it as the luxury it was.  I read every word and actually enjoyed how the letters strung together to form words then sentences then paragraphs. How they all came together in perfect harmony and created meaning. 

See life just works to drive us crazy but there are people who are hell bent on making your insanity show but oh darling,  there are those, with nothing but a momentary, pathetic try in loving you and a verbal excuse of always caring for you who can make you drive yourself crazy.  When you lose your mind you cannot distinguish the difference between days and years.  People who make it feel okay to dwell in your own personal hell.  This my dear are the worst yet most beautiful people you will ever know. 

I lost track thinking about hell, this hell that I have been in for a few days,  or is it months,  perhaps years who knows? Okay back to my day; 

Studying for exams should not be romantic, I know but since days are different,  it just happened to be. I remember touching his skin while closing in for a hug and feeling like I was home. It was one of those days where miraculously his scent didn’t repulse me and his touch didn’t make me ache,  it gave me peace. So I lay my head on his back and I feel the harmony of the words manifested in our heartbeats. 
I sat in silence and listened to him breathe, I felt his heart racing and I hope that had something to do with me. It felt like a piece of the past re-enacted in a perfect replica. I know peace, I know how reassurance felt like and this was it.  See I don’t need a long embrace, or conversation.  It’s the way his eyes stare into mine in moments when it counts,  or when he smiles at me when he sees how damaged I am.  Or the way he calls me,  the way he asks he irrelevant questions just so we could exchange words. 

The way he laughed at nothing in particular, and how he always tried to say something funny because seeing people laugh at what he said always seemed to give him life. 

I don’t know about you but small things like those give me a different kind of day.  This is one of the good ones.

And I am through with my third year in campus, ain’t God great..?!! Now nostalgia and pride…. 

MAKING LEMONADE 😶


Today I got to see the world through the eyes of a person who had given up hope, someone who had stopped believing in the one thing that defined them to be who they were. The eyes of a woman who had been overwhelmed by all that is wrong with this world and all she had left was her day to day routine which to a point seemed like a form of robotic performance that did not quite add up to who she was.

Today I got to see the world through the eyes of someone who had given up on love, or rather someone who had watched love depart from them and they gladly waved goodbye. The eyes of a person who had wasted a great part of the year hoping for the impossible, a person who had just awoken to a rude shock that whatever it is that they had wished for every night, and every day, the one thing that always somehow always seemed to pop up in her prayers was gone for good.

Today was a beautiful day, one that I woke up to with vigor to prove not only to myself but also to the world around me, or rather to everyone who was watching, a day that would define the person that I am. Today was a busy day, filled with nothing but a void where my thoughts of him used to dwell, a void in my heart, a heart that was searching for something to fill an empty space yet all it took was the realization that all I needed to do was love myself instead.

Today, unlike every other day I woke up with the will to make it to the end of the day without crying or feeling sorry for myself. What today brought me however was so much greater than I would ever have hoped for in such a situation. Today brought me happiness, it brought me joy, and it brought me strength.

Today, for the first time in more than one year I breathed for me, I laughed for me, I did everything I had to, for me. So I got to learn that not everything can break you, that only the things you give power to have power over you. Today I got to let go of it all and swim in the serenity of freedom and peace.

Today I got to see the world through my eyes.

The best of both worlds

​Out with the old in with the new… That is just about the most overrated statement at this time of the year. Funny how am talking about change yet am writing my first article of 2017 in a club,  maybe bar… Or perhaps a pub I have no idea which is which,  Lord have mercy. 

Loud music that makes just about enough sense as anything could make at 5am when you haven’t had any shut eye since last year.. Ha ha ha funny.. ..well not really. In front of me a bottle of Smirnoff vodka and ‘plastic shot glasses’ humans and their economical inventions,  when did this happen?  So anyway my can of red bull isn’t looking that attractive considering the fact that I need to sleep immediately I get home so maybe an energy drink wasn’t such a great idea I should have asked for water….where was I when modesty was being handed out. 

A couple of people dancing like zombies drunk out of their brains. Did I mention I am in a 3rd class whatever category you placed this temporary limbo am at?? Well thanks to the level of insecurity in our quite famous neighbourhood (name withheld), I was taught that you don’t poop where you eat, so I still love the thief infested sanctuary we call home,  I have to stick around till first light.  Idleness sends me to thinking,  surprisingly to writing too (thank you 2017)

There’s a certain concept I never had really understood until recently,  when you change who you are on the inside it impacts who you are on the outside,  what’s amazing is that once you change things you used to do,  places you used to go and some people you used to hang out with just don’t fit anymore. 

Sitting in this village alcohol den makes me feel like am wearing a dress, sport shoes and socks,  misplaced,  out of order,  like an absurd character. Perhaps not, the music sounds better at this point ( takes me back to my crazy days). But whatever felt so right back then feels the most wrong anything can feel. Only God knows just how many times I have asked Him to get me out of here.  Am sure some y’all thinking ‘Am a grown ass woman I could just walk out! ‘ remember people are ‘working’ in the village,  I do not wish to loose my not so expensive Kaduda phone. 

A friend of mine (not sure he deserves that title anymore)  told me that I evolved too fast he couldn’t keep up so he decided to walk away, my realization just now however is that even I couldn’t keep up with my level of spiritual growth. 

I am too much a different person that my brain couldn’t comprehend to exactly what extent,  I walked into a pub willingly and hoping to have a bit of fun before first light turns out I couldn’t keep up. So 2017 is an amazing year so far..trust me I’ve had 6hours of it straight.  3 in the presence of God and 3 with the world. I must be grumpy or ‘unfun’ my friends are having the time of their lives or maybe am just different. 

I think I know which way am leaning.  May your year be filled with love,  happiness and joy.. May your cup always runneth over ( no matter what your cup is).  May everything you set out to achieve come true for you. May God annoint every activity you choose to undertake.  I love you all. 

Happy New Year 2017

#GodsFavour

2016, Thank You For the Love of Reading

2016 wore people out, me included. But in the midst of calamity and negativity there are things that help us keep the faith. This year I found two, God and books. I know there are things that are more important than the latter but for me these just about sum up my year.

In pain and heartbreak and a trip to emotional hell, an island awaited to give me rest. The greatest thing I read this year that changed my life was a book about how to be a man. I know I am not one but understanding them gives me intellectual peace.

The beauty that is words, the genius that is John Eldredge , how often in life do you find what you want, what you have been looking for, two things that should never go together but when they do, it’s an explosion of greatness, magic and amazing things.

Wild at heart is not just a book, not just the works of a man that has found the greatest thing in life, God, it is an opportunity to see through the eyes of a man who is truly blessed. We exist in a society where everything is upside down; day is for sleep and night for work, how much more are greater things dis-aligned?

The issue of gender and what truly defines who you are is not only a reason for wonder among many of us, it is a cause of confusion and the greatest thing contributing to the madness that is earth today. We have women who want to be men and the opposite is the same, those that wish they were born different, all they have in the world right now is a scapegoat known as being transgender.

So not every man is a man and not all women are women really. Wild at heart addresses the one thing that needs the greatest level of attention. What defines a man? Everyone who ever stood to address gender issues in the past couple of years is talking about equal rights for the girl child but what about our boys? I proudly stand with the boy child.

Having been brought up in an African setting I understand that the way we girls are brought up is mostly a means to an end, knowingly or unknowingly we go through training to be what is expected of us in future, a mother, a wife, an aunt and others but what really do our young men have to work with?

Every single day we see young people fall into bad habits, drugs, sex, theft, quick to judge yet no one bothers to ask why; this book gives us a fundamental foundation on what their life is all about.

“The heart of a man craves three things, an adventure to live, a beauty to rescue and a fight to fight.” It’s a matter of wiring, the bad habits often act as substitutes for lack of these things, why not provide opportunities that actually make a difference by quenching the thirst that engulfs them.

Wild at heart acts as an eye opener and creates an understanding of who we are, man or woman. We get to know who we truly are by knowing other people and what makes us different from the rest, different, not better.

In a mission to restore the true meaning of manhood and what masculinity truly entails, this book acts as a way to reach those that are out of arms-length. To shed a light into this hallow madness and restore the glory that lies in taking pride in who God intended us to be.

So 2016 was not fantastic it was educative, what greater pleasure than what we get from learning.

2016, you have been a year of growth, love, heartbreak, mistakes and misunderstanding. Happiness and sadness came with you but the bottom line is in it all I overcame, by the power of Christ. Thank you.

What would you do?

The world we live in is perfect, well, until it’s not. We go through every day the same way, though the setting may be different there always is one common denominator, the lack of stability. The troubles of yesterday though over and done with, gone and never to be seen again resemble a great extent those of today and guess what no matter how much we try those same issues are made evident in tomorrow and the day after, and the one after that. Life is a maze from which he only path out is the way out completely, death.
Questions on what is going to happen next, whether the coming minute will give us an answer to what we seek or a solution to our problems, whether the next hour will be the point we come face to face with our breakthrough or maybe perhaps the next month will bring us an opportunity to shine and become great. At the end of the day all we have are questions and no answers. Uncertainty causes instability which in turn brings about its own fracas and circus, issues unending, and the madness we call the world.
The greatest form of worry comes not from fear of being lost in the maze, or eventually finding a way out which ultimately means we go out completely, it is however from the wonder of what becomes of us when the ground we always thought would hold us together vanishes and leaves us standing on nothing other than hope. The kind of hope that keeps you going because if you have faith that you can fly, then fly you shall. But hope can only go a long way if you do not establish an alternative ground to walk on.
We lose people every day, the only thing constant on our new bulletins nowadays are reports of road accidents, need I mention the rising number of terrorist attacks happening all across the world. Whether we know those that are victims of this malicious acts and devilish vendetta’s or not, death is always a reason for sadness, the mention of the word instantly darkens the mood, denies people a minute or two of total bliss. The greatest travesty, however, is when we lose someone close.
So every day we live in a world decorated with wonder, with an awe to grasp at every moment as it happens with the fear that it’s the last we’ll ever have of its nature. Not knowing whether we shall be able to hold those we love, laugh with and at them till we tear or simply have the gift to have them breathing in the next minute is something that leads people into a world with very little fulfillment. We spend most of our time worrying and not to sound cynical or anything, it doesn’t change the outcome entirely.
In light of all this, am going to need you to ask yourself one thing, a little but important thing, maybe you have never thought about it or maybe you have but right now, I need you to answer one question for me, what would you do if God touched what you loved most? When all that defines you and completes you turns to vapor and nothing more? When the world you know becomes nothing more than a memory intangible? When what you had a minute ago is lost completely and you are on the brink of losing your sanity? When familiar seems so far away it’s unbelievable?
Would you curse Him or praise Him because despite the pain His will is perfect? Would you use the last breath you have in your sanity to proclaim His goodness or condemn yourself to eternal hell by judging his will in your life? Am just asking; what would you do?