Delusional Past

Often times, we are stuck on the idea that the things we left behind were better than those we have at the moment. Each and everyone of us, if we care to be honest, has been at point where they wished they could go back to the things that they are familiar with. In such situations, we spend most of our time, time that we could be using to better ourselves and appreciate our current position, willowing in our make-belief world of a better past.
Personally, I have spent the last four months wondering how I would make it to the other side of my worries. I wondered if I would ever make new friends, if I would ever be connected to people in a significant way again. So, I made it my ambition to hold onto the fun and exciting memories that my past offered. I held on to the laughs, the wine, the sleepovers. And then there was this situation, I held onto for two years, because I thought he was perfect. Everyday I wondered what would have been and if it could still be, I held on to the stupid foolish stares and awkward laughs. For the love of me I held on with all I had in.
The reality is, your past is only glorious in your head. The relationship you thought was perfect had it’s own flaws. The only reason why you think it would be best to go back is because things aren’t that great at the moment. It is in such moments however, that your patience is tested. Your resilience and your ability to hold out for something better is determined by how long you stay in your current situation instead of turning back to the things that were familiar.
It is important to note that things only last for a season and a reason. The Universe and God (depending on which one you believe in) has a way of telling us that it is time to move along. Rifts start forming, you are replaced, you are displaced, all in an effort to get you to move. Our separation is usually a means through which the path to our elevation is set. If you make a mistake and look/walk back, you loose a hold of your opportunity for growth.
If you are ever at a point where your past seems like a better option than your current situation, please remember this, out minds have a tendency to create fantasies and manufacture ideas and memories. It filters all the negativity that the past had to offer and only focuses on the better things. If you ever find yourself focusing on the roses and forgetting the thorns, that is delusion of your past.


Learn to Get Excited

Photo from,

I’ve always been a sucker for beginnings. When you know that life is about to deal you the next step in life. We all get excited when we start a new job, new relationship or get into a new school. Something I however feel we forget to appreciate is the moments that build up to the beginning. The times when you know that something grand is about to happen in your life but it has not yet manifested. Times when you are waiting for the fulfilment of an achievement.
I remember when I got my first career job as a teacher, all the doubts that had been building up within me came to die and new ones sprouted. The most important thing/worry for me at the moment was not to die. I know, I know, it sounds absurd. With the number of people I have lost recently death seemed so close. So I lived everyday, waiting for the day I would report for work, excited. I was excited about this new journey, I was excited about the divine assignment, I was excited about divine purpose.
I remember the first day I saw him, tall dark, fairly good looking. He had pink lips and an addictive laugh. We never spoke but I knew we would. More than anything in our encounter, I remember the moments that led up to our actual contact. The stolen glances, the naive and childish smiles. Those were perfect moments. He also turned out to be a great cook so that was a bonus.
As I write this I am at work, barely able to contain myself. I am excited because I am about to graduate. It’s not the event in itself it is moments like this that I choose to pay attention to. If there ever comes a time when I will forget the greatness of the achievements I have made I will remember how I was excited to get my degree. I will remember that at one point in my life it was the most exciting thing there was. I will remember that no matter how basic it might seem at the moment, once it was my greatest achievement.
Teach yourself to appreciate the moments that lead up to an achievement. Moments when you are filled with uncertainty and questions, always strive to appreciate the insanity that comes with waiting. If ever there comes a day, and I hope it doesn’t, that you under value something, you will be reminded that once it was important. In remembering you might find your passion re-ignited.

How To Motivate Yourself.




There are days when you are not sure that you want to do anything. I am transitioning from a life of having a schedule and responsibilities to a life of doing whatever it is that I want. finishing  school was supposed to be all that great but life out here has proved a little bit difficult. I have had to learn a thing or two on how to best use my time and how to keep going even when my body doesn’t feel like it.

Its morning, you have class, work or a gig, your body feels like you don’t have enough energy to face the day, you are in bed tired of a day that had just begun and then you ask yourself, is this really worth it? every once in a while, each of us experiences temporary burnouts, our motivation runs dry and you have no idea what you are supposed to do in such situations, so how do you get back your strength to face the day?

Just start

The worst thing you can do is wallow in self-pity. Once you embrace that feeling you are done for the day, maybe you can start tomorrow. Just start your day, you might end up being late for a while, and you will be a couple of minutes behind on your schedule but just start that is better than not doing anything. The most little of thing makes the whole difference, get up and make your day, see, no matter how bad your day will be or how many goals you will not have achieved, when you get back home you are coming home to a made bed. A well-made bed is a reassurance that your day was not wasted.

Re-evaluate why you are doing what you are doing

Sometimes we lose focus on what we want and flow with the rhythm living each day as it comes and in such moments we forget what we do what we are doing. Take a piece of paper and write down why you started this journey, what were you running towards or what were you running from. Your goals will help you find the strength to keep going. Evaluate how much of what you intended to achieve that you actually have achieved, the fact that you are not at the same place you started at is motivation enough.

Your phone and the internet

People are different,

  • If you are motivated by people’s success, you can go to the internet and check out your role models, the heights they have achieved and how much you know you can achieve yourself. This will give you a form of a vision board.
  • If people’s success intimidates you, there is nothing wrong with that, avoid your phone altogether, stay off the internet until you feel you are winning. When you are on your own it is easy to talk yourself up and out of that bed. Encourage yourself without comparing yourself to anyone.


The order in which your goals are organized maybe the reason why you are burnt out. If you have tried to achieve one thing but it proves difficult, shuffle your priorities. This gives you an illusion that you are working for different things.
Consider how your working space looks like, the clutter that is on your desk could be a distraction. File documents properly, throw away what is not important, switch up your work-space, this will work as a distraction from the actual work you are doing.

Run/Walk/ Jog

Physical activity jogs up your brain functions, you get to relax and interact with an environment that is not quite as familiar as you are used to.



There is nothing like growing up. 

​The lady in the mirror is a stranger, Living life in the wild I am in danger, Someone told me I was grown now, But I am confused on the how, All I see is a girl that I don’t know.

Greater responsibilities than I can take, More money is needed than I can  make, I wake up every morning just to tire,  As l walk around looking for a hire, Broken, crushed and my needs are dire.

No one told me I would sleep hungry, Or that I had no right to get angry, Taking on the world as it comes, Everyday hoping to get some.

The only thing that is grown is my pain, And my pursuit to get some gain, I believe that I see the same girl, One that enjoyed a laugh and a twirl,  A grown body and an enlightened mind, Consumed by her need and effort to find, A little something to feed and dress, Still caught up with the worlds’ mess,

There is nothing like growing up, Lies we were told to cover up, The reality of a greater age, The justified anguish and rage, That comes with the notion of being of age

Lessons from Kamau… 

Photo from

​I have been away for a while, heh, adulting is hard. For some reason, lessons have been coming my way at an overflowing supply. In everything I have done, people I have met and places I have gone, I have learnt something valuable. So for my first post back, I had a crush on my pastors kid, don’t you judge me. Sit down and read on… 

The first time I saw him, I couldn’t stop staring. The way he walked around the place with no care in the world. Gracefully looking into the lenses of his camera and positioning himself at an angle to take the perfect picture. It was as if he did not notice the huge crowd, his mind was fully fixed to what he was doing. In his mind, it was him and the person he was photographing. I knew there and then, he was somebody I had to encounter at a personal level.

I stole glances once in a while, his face made me smile. Funny how I had attended that church for an entire year and never seen him, and now that I had, he was on my mind every time I came to church, I needed to see him. He was tall, gracefully tall, he smiled effortlessly and the way he walked about told that he was confident in who he was.

I remember the first day we spoke, I was so nervous. He looked down on me (pun intended), smiled and did as I had asked. He was perfect. Then we started chatting, he always made me smile, foolishly at everything he sent, he was nice and he was kind and he was sweet. About a week after we started talking, as abruptly as it had started, it ended. Why am I writing about this, well, I learnt a few things from my encounter with this young man.

All my life I have been superficial and most people I interact with as love interests have always had some physical qualities. I know we all have a choice on who you want to be with but when I looked at people from their outward appearance, I always missed their lack when it came to intellectual ability. Most guys I have been with were not compatible with my intellect, maybe they were better or lesser, but we never connected at such an angle. 

I remember making up excuses for them, trying to find a valid reason as to why I liked them, I even tried to look for their future potential, so I can look at them like their future was why I was with them. Looks might be important to you but let it not be the only thing you look for. Now I know better, I’ll do better.

Not everyone is meant for you and that is okay, it does not mean they are bad people. I have met amazing people. People who were not as nice to me as I would have wanted but they were nice people, they were just not meant to be nice to me. PK was amazing, he was kind and funny and polite but as much as we connected, fate pulled us away from each other. You cannot force relationships if they are not meant to last.

I remember a friend telling me to watch myself, to not fall for him, “He makes you laugh, you might end up liking him more than you intended, girls love men who make them laugh,” she said. I believe in divine plan, divine chance, divine purpose, I am grateful to have met this amazing person, he was sent to me to remind me how beautifully I can laugh.

Africa, We Need to Talk

The first time I saw sexually explicit content, I was in form two. A night meant for movies and nothing more turned my life around, just like that. See, I knew what sex was and I knew that a few friends were having it but for me,  that was just a distant reality. I sat there staring at the television,  this is not something I had planned, it was too sudden,  too abrupt,  if you have watched” Baby Boy” by Taraji P Henson,  you know what I am talking about. So there they were,  two naked people grinding at each other, screaming,  cursing and calling each other names and I just sat there while my innocent mind was being corrupted. Why is this important?  Well,  did I forget to mention that I had a grown up watching it beside me. That awkwardness found us all unaware and the sad part is we never talked about it. How could we, when we knew that when a kissing scene came up on television that was when out parents needed a glass of water or dirty dishes removed from the table pronto? 

Needless to say from that day I became a sexual being, intrigued to know what was what and just how many ways it could be done,  with pornography comes a whole lot of other stuff. It is a gateway to sexual sin and pervasion. A few conversations I have been having lately have revealed the extent to which as African milenials we have become  perverted, bit by bit, by things that could have been easily avoided with a simple conversation. There are people who were exposed to sexual content as early as ten years. Those who have been struggling with pornography and masturbation since they can remember,  too broken to speak up, too ashamed and afraid to be  judged. Funny how when you start talking to people you realise that you are not alone in this. 

What’s that saying about glass houses? See the #IfikieWazazi is total and utter bull!  The aim of it being to rebuke and condemn, slut shame and judge those young people. Were they doing the right thing, absolutely not! But while we are basing our arguments on how immoral they were could you please kindly tell me where you got the moral compass to gauge  their behaviour. 

If you had my generation of parents you never got word of what was expected of you especially when it comes to sexuality and our bodies. You were simply supposed to pick it up as you went by. We were told to stay away from boys, why? Probably because they had Ebola or maybe they were witches, we do not know. And when you were seen standing with a boy on the street, your nosy aunt or neighbor went to tell your parents and you got scolded, perhaps you should have  been sitting? We were supposed to learn on the job so yes most of us made crazy mistakes that we would not have if we had gotten the proper guidance. 

#IfikieWazazi is total and utter bull! When it gets to them what will they do?  Let me help you out,  the girls are going to be called prostitutes( you know it sounds worse in Swahili) and be told that if they get pregnant they should figure out where the will take the baby. The guys are not going to be told about using peoples daughters wrongly.. ooh no.. They are going to be asked  not to misuse their parents money, if they do not want to study they should just come out with it. See this #IfikieWazazi is meant to portray our parents as a force to reckon with,  not nurtures, not educators,  just brutal people who will deal with us accordingly for misbehaving. 

Our greatest problem is in assuming that our mistakes are solely our own. Yes some of those people in the photos know better but still, some of them are just projecting the knowledge and wisdom they never got from their parents not to mention affection and attention. When you are told to learn on the job sometimes you learn faster than others but that doesn’t mean that those who learn at a slower pace are lost. Speak and teach,  it resonates with those who are willing to learn. 

If you had great parents who were straight about everything, well, lucky you. Our parents were good to us and they still are, they are just victims of the generation they grew up in. It’s on us to break the cycle. 

Then there was #IfikieKanisa and since I am a Christian,  here’s a bit of church,  when you confess to your brothers and sisters at church you are told to pray about it,  rebuke the devil,  but really?  How am I fighting a demon I do not understand. Yet sometimes I feel like that demon and I are one and the same thing. These are some of the reasons why people don’t go to church. We should talk about these things more,  so many youngsters are suffering thinking they are the greatest sinners in the world. When you talk about it, you see the commonality of your faults, knowing that if those people overcame so will you. The greatest thing I have learnt is that the devil can’t use what you talk about. To the spiritual parents,  as you pray for your children remember to speak to them. 

The Spirit of Entitlement 

Photo from;  Dr. Dalton-Smith – I Choose My Best Life. 

I understand that we all come from different backgrounds and that we are shaped by different circumstances. Our upbringings do not in the slightest compare and from all these factors we are different people. Our individuality is essentially our greatest asset. For some of us however, our diverse character, beliefs and understanding of the world and what is expected of us becomes our excuse of not putting effort into ourselves and the life we are living.

All my life, I have had people working hard for me to have the kind of life I wanted; being the last born and all. My brothers and sisters have had to forgo luxuries so that I may be me, without lack, hustle or disappointment. I always knew that I could depend on them, so every time I needed something, instead of stretching out my whole self and working for it, I made a call and asked for whatever it is that my heart so desired.

Recently however, I started working for my own coin and I remember just how hard it was for me to make my first 1000 shillings. The effort, the sweat, and the tiredness I had to persevere to make a clear cut of a part of my upkeep. See, I had done odd jobs since immediately after high school, earning very little but still just enough for me. The fact that these jobs did not really require much of my effort I assumed that every person who ever gifted me money had it that easy. Having a business that requires investment and commitment, now that’s a whole other level of hustle.

Many of us, and if you are honest with yourself you will admit to being guilty of this, live life pampered and provided for. With the people around being expected to fulfill your every whim whether by choice or by default. And if you live long enough under the provision of other people it gets to your head that whatever they have is yours and that you deserve part of the money they earn. I believed that my elder siblings had to provide for me because they were born before me. The fact is, yes they should provide for the essential things that your parents cannot cater for like fill up on your school fees, but you get to a certain age where your contribution into your own life needs to be seen. 

For those of you who don’t have elder siblings, or are the eldest and you are reading this and going like ‘yes!’ Hold your horses. What our friends put their effort and grit into does not at any one point belong to us. People give us things because they want to, not because we are entitled to them.

Maybe it is just part of growing up but today, more than yesterday I am grateful to all the people who gave me, what they should have used on themselves, out of love. For all the sacrifices they made to get me to where I am at. And now that I am growing up, I know better, I understand better.

Don’t be there waiting for someone to provide for you, not just financially. For people like me who are almost done with school, don’t just sit there and wait for opportunity to come knocking on your door or for a person you know to hook you up. Always be ready to make an effort I believe that God sees your effort and He will bless you accordingly.

The spirit of entitlement to other peoples blessings is ugly and drowning, you will lose time waiting for handouts instead of working for your blessings. The same way you will not go to heaven simply because your mother is a pastor is the same way you do not have a car just because your father has a car. Jesus was the son of God, yet when He was on earth we are told that ‘The Son of Man did not even have a place to rest His head.’ Riddle me this, if Jesus wasn’t entitled to a luxurious life, dining with kings and living in palaces, yet The Bible tells us that ‘Silver and gold belong to Him (the Father),’ who are you? You that are accorded the privilege of living off other peoples backs and eat of their sweat, who do you think you are?

At the End of it All

Have you ever stopped to wonder what it all comes down to? When all is said and done, what happens then? See, I have had interactions with the reality of death at a close range and it is not what I thought it would be.

Standing over his grave was different than I had expected. I felt at peace, I felt a sense of joy, a sense of okay-ness. After a whole year of wondering how much of my strength it would take to visit the place where we laid my father to rest, it finally happened. Let’s just say, I have grown incredibly since the last time I was there, spiritually, emotionally and mentally so to speak. My greatest source of comfort is in knowing that he is with the lord.

Our lives add up to nothing if the things we do while we are still alive are worldly. If you buy houses, cars and all material things you leave them in this world. There’s an interesting concept I heard during a funeral. The preacher speaks and says that the person who is dead has finished building her house in heaven and now that it is ready she had to go. This got me thinking about my own life and the things I invest my time in.

How long do you think the actions you do, the things you participate in, how long do you think it will take you before your heavenly house is ready? This is basically a concept of investing in the kingdom of God, focusing your energy and resources in the family of Christ. David, asked God to help him number his days, that he may know how fleeting this life is.

When you interact with the reality that is death, when that cloud lives over you for a while you come to understand the depth of its cruelty. The lives we live are vanity, our beauty, our strength, our power, our finances, they don’t mean a thing.

It is loss to invest in the things that are going to end and ignore what will last forever. In my heart, while standing over that grave, looking at all the others that surrounded it, I got a revelation, and my life was reduced to smoke. Something that could easily be lost and once it is gone it cannot be recovered. My greatest fear isn’t death because I believe that there is life after death for those who are in Christ Jesus. My greatest fear is in dying without fulfilling my purpose effectively; dying without contributing to the kingdom of God and its growth by loving people and being kind to them.

If I could ask you, right now, at this particular moment, if you were to die, would you have done your part in the family of Christ? Believing is not enough; there are roles, tasks to be done. Our lives, as young people mostly, are defined by instant gratification and what is good for me. Never for those around you, never for that stranger you met, never for the person in the street, not for the hungry neighbor. We are consumed by the ‘I mentality’. And this is our greatest problem, especially for Christians.

Do good, be kind, love unconditionally and help people out where you can, start placing bricks in your heavenly house in whatever way you can. These, the things you do for others for the glory of God, are the things that will live on even after your body is dead and in the ground.


Thank you… 

There’s a concept I heard once- a while ago- that I have been living by. When you tell people your dreams there’s a very high likelihood that you will not achieve what you set out to. The explanation to this being scientific but I don’t do science so here’s a summary; when you speak about ideas that your mind has only just conceived your receptors take it as an indication that you have already done it. 

During the crossover kesha at my home church I introduced an activity that ensured we had goals for 2018 but not by speaking about them. We wrote down the things we wanted to leave behind in 2017 ,this list we burnt. See, 2017 had been a hard year for me an maybe one day I’ll write about it. 

We wrote down the aspirations we had for 2018 and these we passed around to random people so that they would help us pray. Today one of my aspirations came to manifestation. I was awarded first place in an essay competition held by Kartasi Industries Limited. 

Today I am thankful;  to the person that got my list of aspirations thank you for lifting me up in prayer. For all of you who read my work and give me feedback, thank you and may the Almighty God bless you. To my friends and family you are an awesome support system. 

To Kartasi Industries; thank you for allowing God to use you in impacting my journey. And thank you for the pilot pen,  I genuinely like them, it feels so comfortable in my hand. 

Habakuk 2:2 ” Then the lord replied, ‘write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that whoever reads it may run with it. “